Presents! (The True Meaning of Christmas)
By
Stephen Hope
Characters:
MRS. EVANGELINE WICKERBOTTOM
(A very eccentric woman who loves class and elegance. She believes she is posher than the Queen herself and the world is centred around her)
MRS. MINNIE FLUNDERMON
(A woman who thinks very logically and is the downfall in her ability to have fun. People see her as a bit of a kill joy)
MRS. DOREEN SNOW
(A bit wacky and does not really think through her thoughts before saying them)
MRS. MORGAN RICHARDS
(A person who loves to make sure her ideas are heard)
MRS. FLO CHAMPAIRS
(A young woman who has no difficulty of fitting in with the others. She loves organising things and having a good time)
MISS. ABIGALE GARDENS
(The youngest of the group, very quiet, and is why Mrs. Wickerbottom likes her the most. Almost her right-hand woman. She is also in charge of taking the minutes)
MISS. FRANCESCA BUCK
(Another young member of the group. She likes to make sure people understands things correctly)
MRS. JOAN CORTON
(Very much like Doreen, Joan has her own fair share of interesting ideas. She is rather innocent in her way of thinking)
MRS. KATHERINE BROMMERS
(Katherine is a person who listens to what others have to say before saying what’s on her mind)
A ONE ACT PLAY
Scene
(Evening- Nine women from the East Ipswich Ladies Commission Group are sitting in a circle in their local community hall. They are all drinking tea chit chatting between each other while Abigale distributes the minutes of the meeting then Mrs Evangeline Wickerbottom starts to speak with a booming voice.)
ABIGALE
Good Evening everyone and welcome to the premier of our one act play especially written for us by Stephen Hope.
This is the hard working committee of the East Ipswich Commission Group which is about to start I’m Abigale Gardens the minute secretary. (Hand minutes to each member saying their name)
WICKERBOTTOM
(Loudly)
Now, now, ladies, settle down, let’s all be quiet please for just one moment. As you all know it is that time of year again, and we positively must discuss the plans for our OAP Christmas dinner get together, we hold every year.
DOREEN
I don't remember ever holding a Christmas dinner for the OAPs.
JOAN
I don't remember holding a Christmas dinner for anyone at all.
MINNIE
That's because we never have, what are you going on about Eve?
WICKERBOTTOM
Oh do come on now, did we not have a Christmas Soirée last year at my humble abode?
MINNIE
Well yes but that was for us, not the OAPs
WICKERBOTTOM
But Minnie dear, you are an OAP are you not?
MINNIE
(Shocked)
What!
WICKERBOTTOM
Don't worry dear, for someone in their 70's you don't look a day over 60.
MINNIE
(Even more shocked)
70's!
FLO
Oh you must tell me your secret Min; I would love to look like that at your age.
MINNIE
I'm only 53! And besides, that was not a Christmas party for the OAPs!
MORGAN
Well I think it’s a fantastic idea! It would be lovely to do something for the people at the retirement castle. They do love their party dinners.
FRANCESCA
We can make a real evening of it! Lots of food, and some good entertainment. Something for them to remember!
KATHERINE
We better make it good then, half of them would have forgotten by bed time.
WICKERBOTTOM
Abigale, are you getting this all down in the minutes?
ABIGALE
Yes Mrs Wickerbottom. I've got it all down.
WICKERBOTTOM
Fantastic! Then we are all agreed on a Christmas dinner get together, for the OAPs! Besides, I've already hired Buckingham Hall.
JOAN
Buckingham Hall! I thought this was for the seniors, not the Queen!
KATHERINE
How could we ever afford that?
WICKERBOTTOM
Ladies! Price does not come into these things when it involves the happiness of the elderly.
KATHERINE
It does when it comes to Buckingham Hall.
MORGAN
Oh! I know! We could do some fund raising events! That's always made us a lot of money in the past.
DOREEN
Yes, but I think we would have to be a bit more creative than just bake sales, if we are to afford a place like Buckingham Hall.
WICKERBOTTOM
Any ideas ladies?
JOAN
I saw a film about a situation like this once.
KATHERINE
Calendar Girls?
FRANCESCA
You can't expect us to pose for a calendar Joan!
JOAN
No, that was not the film! I think it was called The Bank Heist...
FLO
You know, I think I would prefer to rob a bank over the calendar idea.
MINNIE
Come on now, we have to be serious about this.
MORGAN
Sky diving!
MINNIE
Pardon!
MORGAN
Sky diving! Someone from GMTV did it last year. It would make a lot of money.
WICKERBOTTOM
Brilliant idea! People are always doing crazy things for money these days! Minnie would be perfect for that!
MINNIE
I beg your pardon! I will certainly not be doing that!
FLO
Oh do come on Minnie, we all have to put our contribution in.
WICKERBOTTOM
Abigale, did you get all that?
ABIGALE
Yes Mrs Wickerbottom, all of it.
WICKERBOTTOM
Brilliant! Now onto the entertainment! I've already hired booked the Bombay House band for the evening!
JOAN
As in that James Brown tribute act?
FRANCESCA
Oh Great, nothing better than Christmas dinner with a James Brown tribute band playing in the back ground.
DOREEN
Fireworks!
EVERYONE
No!
KATHERINE
Not after the fiasco at the save the bee fund raiser.
EVERYONE
(Sharp intake of breath and gasp!)
FRANCESCA
I'm surprised they aren't extinct already.
WICKERBOTTOM
What we really need is a bit of razzle dazzle!
MORGAN
I've got it! We could hire a donkey and while everyone is eating, have it carry me through the dining hall dressed as the Virgin Mary.
MINNIE
You must be joking.
WICKERBOTTOM
You could be Joseph, Minnie.
MINNIE
Oh thanks, not only do I apparently look like a 70 year old woman, I also look like a man!
FLO
That’s the spirit!
FRANCESCA
Now Minnie, remember that Joseph will play a big part in convincing the seniors that Mary is on her way to Bethlehem to give birth to Jesus.
ABIGALE
And she’s taken a wrong turn right through their dinner.
DOREEN
If they're going to be dressed up, then I most definitely want to be dressed up too. You can't leave me out of something which sounds such fun!
JOAN
Do you really want to dress up for a Christmas party?
DOREEN
Well yes, in a tasteful way of course. Nothing silly.
WICKERBOTTOM
I'm sure that would be fine seeing as we already have Mary and Joseph riding through our lovely meal.
MINNIE
What did you have in mind?
DOREEN
Well, running with the theme of Mary and Joseph, Moses.
(SILENCE)
KATHERINE
Adam and Eve?
MINNIE
Right...I think we're all agreed when we say that's...
JOAN
A wonderful idea!
FRANCESCA
Marvellous!
WICKERBOTTOM
You do have your way with ideas Doreen.
MORGAN
We might as well think about us all dressing up now! It does sound like fun.
KATHERINE
It doesn't have to be about religion does it? I mean, Christmas is not about Jesus and the Bible to everyone.
FLO
In what way?
KATHERINE
Well, it may be offensive to people to come to a Christmas dinner party and be bombarded with something which is not their own religion.
JOAN
They may be Jehovah’s Witnesses.
MINNIE
Why would a Jehovah’s Witness be going to a Christmas party in the first place? They don't believe in it!
WICKERBOTTOM
We don't want to leave anyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas out Minnie! The Buddhists and politicians are welcome. A lovely idea Katherine, we shall leave it at Mary, Joseph, and Moses attending our dinner.
FRANCESCA
We could dress all the seniors as reindeer, (pause) antlers and maybe a carrot or two.
MINNIE
Now you’re just insulting them.
MORGAN
Let’s just put down on the invitations that fancy dress is acceptable and a Christmas theme would be nice. Besides, I've already decided to come as a wise queen to the dinner.
FLO
And the Virgin Mary?
WICKERBOTTOM
Dinner! We must discuss what’s on the menu for the special night. I was thinking pork.
MORGAN
No, no, no, too chewy, they would not like that.
DOREEN
I've always liked duck.
JOAN
A bit small to feed them all I think.
DOREEN
We would have more than one!
FRANCESCA
Beef would be perfect! Everyone loves a bit of beef.
FLO
Well, I was thinking more of a fish dish. Lobster?
MINNIE
Pork? Duck? Lobster? Whatever happened to the traditional turkey?
WICKERBOTTOM
Oh Minnie, don't be so cliché! We're trying to throw a Christmas dinner get together.
MINNIE
I think you’re all missing the point. This isn't what Christmas is about!
(SILENCE)
KATHERINE
How about jelly and ice cream?
WICKERBOTTOM
Wonderful! Just one more thing on the agenda, Abigale, did you get everything?
ABIGALE
Yes Mrs Wickerbottom
WICKERBOTTOM
Right, presents. I want everyone who attends to get at least one present to complete their night.
MORGAN
How expensive is this get together going to be exactly?
KATHERINE
If we're to go by Eve's standards, then I reckon the recession will be over because of us alone.
MINNIE
Why do we need to give presents at all? Isn't it enough that they're getting a free meal on us?
FLO
Don't be such a meanie.
JOAN
It is Christmas after all. We need to show a bit of good will.
MINNIE
But good will does not come through fancy dinners, bizarre entertainment, and especially not presents! Presents are not the true meaning of Christmas!
WICKERBOTTOM
Oh Minnie, you do make me laugh. When else do you think Gregory my husband could buy me those delectable diamond earrings I simply must have!
MINNIE
Err, how about last week when he got you the exact same pair?
WICKERBOTTOM
Minnie, Minnie, Minnie dear, I told you, those are for special occasions! You know, when the Queen comes.
MORGAN
Or the Dali Lama.
FLO
Or Cliff Richard.
WICKERBOTTOM
I did tell you dear.
ABIGALE
She's right; I have it all written down here in the minutes. About the earrings, and then that kerfuffle about Cillit Bang being superior to Mr. Muscle.
WICKERBOTTOM
See, I was right about two things.
KATHERINE
Don't let her bully you Eve, she always has something to complain about.
JOAN
She never complimented me on my idea to run the London Marathon dressed as a horse
DOREEN
Offended her probably.
EVERYONE
(Snigger)
MINNIE
I'm just trying to say that Christmas is not about materialistic objects! It’s a celebration! A coming together to show kindness and love to friends and family. It’s the remembrance of Jesus Christ and his birth into this world. It’s a chance to right wrongs, and give rather than receive at a time in life when so little is done without selfishness present. I'm not trying to preach, I'm not trying to say we should not do something for the seniors, I'm just saying...let’s not forget what Christmas is really and truly about.
(SILENCE)
WICKERBOTTOM
Well, that was rather unexpected. To think that we were trying to do something nice for others this Christmas. You know Minnie; we did forget one last thing.
MINNIE
And what is that?
WICKERBOTTOM
Why, what would Christmas be without the sherry of course!
EVERYONE
Merry Christmas everyone, and a very Happy New Year!
END
